there is no snow in this part of the world

2009-01-28T08:30:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I hate the world. But just sometimes.

2009-01-27T09:16:00.001-08:00

At times, it really does feel like everything in my life was done to compensate for something. The most harmless one, I suppose, is forcing myself to love reptiles, amphibians and arachnids to compensate for my childhood fear of dogs, which unfortunately led to a lifelong phobia of all mammals.

Next, comes my desire to be overly butch and manly because after years of watching my mother get beaten up, I just cannot completely shake the fact that to be a woman is to be weak. So instead, I took that to be manly was to be strong. In that process, I veered away from frills and skirts and opted for short hairstyles, baggy clothing and ultimately, liking girls. Admittedly, I have internalised the wrong aspects of manliness which were supposed to make me strong.

It is indeed cowardly of me to blame my bisexualism on my parents' bickering. But over the years, I discovered how easy it was to blame nearly every fault that I have on them. I could blame them for the way I shut myself up around family and initially, friends. I could blame them for the forced smiles I had to paste on through years of elementary and secondary school. I could blame them for making me losing faith in relationships and much, much more.

Because of them, I tried to overcompensate in many, many ways. Over the years, I've tried hard to become a people-pleaser because, to me, that was the only way to get people to like me. I did the whole emo and suicide thing earlier on and discovered it to be rather pathetic. (So, if you are someone who is already over 18 years of age and thinking about how nice a shiny knife looks, go drown yourself already. The world doesn't need any more depressed people like you.)

I am very bitter. People don't get that about me. Not even me. Because with God's blessings, I manage to forget all the bad things that have happened time after time of regrets. Like I said, the world doesn't need any more emo kids, so I don't have to be one. As a result though, I can't really attach myself to the people I meet nowadays.

I see them. I really do care about them and love them. But they don't reciprocate those feelings because I close myself and always think that it's okay. It's okay because I'm used to one-sided love. I'm used to people taking advantage of me and playing around with me. I'm fine with it. I've been feeling that way for a very long time now.

That, my friend, isn't emo. It's more like not caring anymore.

2009-01-20T16:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Jack,

Monday was difficult for me. But only for one reason. The other stuff that happened on Monday were generic and positive enough. My acting sketch with Kelly managed to pull off a B+ along with some laughter from the audience. I got an A- for my appearance exercise (this week, we were doing Happiness). Fei Yan approached me after class to discuss about the acting club but I was a little distracted because Kazaf had waited for me as well and was beckoning me to come over so we could go for lunch. (Sorry for not seeming attentive Fei Yan, but I'm interested, really!)

The only major downside, I suppose, was what happened before class ended. Gary wanted to demonstrate the type of emotional scene he wanted us to do after CNY break was over, and coincidentally, the scene he chose to do was a loyal wife discovering that her chauvinistic husband was having an affair with another woman. That topic and the way Gary acted it out hit way too close to home.

At some point, I found myself blinking back tears and hugging my knees. Everyone else was laughing at Gary's clever impersonation but I couldn't bring myself too. Come to think of it, neither did Felix. I constantly thought about crawling out of class but I managed to sit it out. Thankfully, no one caught me acting weird. Even if they did, they didn't say anything about it.

2009-01-20T05:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Jack,

I smell her on me. Not only that, but I smell her everywhere. First, it was on Zikril, who wore the same cologne. Then today, I sat next to her during Culture and Society class and she was wearing that cologne again. Then later on, I wondered if Aaron had bought the same cologne because he smelled like her, only with musk. "It's LANCOME," he claimed.

And now, I think, some of it has gotten on me and I smell it around me.

Today, I went shopping with Keshinn around Sunway Pyramid. She just returned from a semi-disastrous interview to enter IMU so I think walking around doing virtually nothing except talk was a good idea. But before that, I led her on a tour around the main block of my college. She met Thomas, Chua, Tricia and Mama (Chea Wen) who all launched into friendly joke-making the moment she entered the student lounge.

Minutes into Obama's inauguration at the Lincoln Memorial, which I watched on HBO, I took out my savings (from which I had extracted last year however failed to contribute more since the Marie France fiasco) and decided that I would save up for a DSLR camera. The Canon EOS I want is about RM5,000 and so far, I've about RM 2,500. With CNY coming up, I hope the addition that the ang pows will bring will lessen the load.

2009-01-18T04:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Jack,

Daryl leaves tonight. I really wanted to send him off but by the time Aniki's birthday dinner at Victoria Station was over, it was too late to rush over to the airport. At least I got to hug him goodbye in front of Sungei Wang today.

Sometimes I wish friends would never leave. Especially close friends like Daryl. Then at least there would be no crying in cars.

2009-01-15T07:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Jack,

The email just came. Intermediate Acting Class will start next month at KLPac and just reading about it made me blanch physically. Acting classes at KLPac will always remain bittersweet for me. It gave me irreplaceable experiences and skills but it also imbedded within me an instinctual fear towards Joe Hasham.

Ironically, he's the topic of my project for my Culture and Society in Malaysia subject. Okay, not so ironic because I suggested him as a topic (because unlike Khoon Hooi or Melinda Looi, he's usually in the country!). Still, I cannot remember Acting for Beginners without flinching a little at the psychological trauma I experienced during those classes.

Saturday became a mini hell for me. I dreaded Saturdays especially if I wasn't sure if I had given enough time to rehearse. I had nightmares about showing up late and such. Of course, as the weeks passed and Saturday became a routine, fear subsided a little because of all the great people I got to meet in class.

Nearly everyone expressed a great interest to join Intermediate Acting (which requires you to audition before you get accepted) and it would be great if I could see them all again by joining this class since I haven't been keeping in touch with any of them. They must have either forgotten about me or hating my guts for not showing up at their various performances. It would be sad not having Glam with us since he said he was moving back to London.

Then again, I most probably won't be signing up either. Not only does the prospect of auditioning before Joe stab my heart with cold fear (all my confidence from AFB has fled! ><) but I don't think my schedule would be very forgiving. Classes would start at 2 on Saturday afternoons and Perspective Studies at TOA ends at 1.

Not only would I have to rush to class (since Joe promises certain death should be ever be late for his class) but I wouldn't have time for routine mental preparation in the toilet. I feel afraid just thinking about joining again. GULP!

2009-01-13T05:43:00.000-08:00

Dear Jack,

I had a wonderful lunch with Pinky and the guys today. Although it was really unfortunate that Tricia got the cramps and had to leave early. Not to mention the people who had to ffk. You know who you are. But Kelly was there to keep me and Pinky company the whole way through and halfway through, Jun, Chua and Thomas joined the party.

Admittedly, I had the most fun conversing with Thomas. Since he and I don't share classes anymore, I hardly ever see him and he is, honestly, the most interesting person to talk to. He has a lot of his own opinions, a sinfully evil sense of humour and a devil-may-care stride, which I really admire, but no way I will ever admit that to his face. One's ego only need so much inflating.

It was funny when he thought the person I liked was Chien though. He mentioned that I looked like a person who was infatuated with someone else and was on the verge of getting into a relationship. He wasn't completely wrong but he wasn't right either. I could've gotten into a relationship with Kazaf and I couldn't. It's too complicated to explain in simple words.

Today during the only class I shared with Kazaf, I found myself wondering why in the world I was even in love with this girl. She looked bored hanging out with me even though I try my darn hardest to make her laugh. This may not be intentional on her part, or may not even mean anything, but it does to me. I need the person I love to be responsive to me. I need someone I can laugh with. Not a person who wishes me to obey his/her every whim. I'm just not cut out like that. If I struggle even to heed God, the being I worship and respect the most, how can I completely bow to a person I'm not even supposed to love?

As some point of my struggle, I realised how much I've come to hate myself just so that I could love her. I've become the pathetic, clingy woman I detested earlier on. I want my strength back. And obviously, I can't find it within Kazaf. I'll let the world have her and keep my heart for myself. I couldn't believe it took talking to Thomas to make me realise all this.

2009-01-11T23:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Jack,

Just got home from college, where for the first time in my life, I faked real fear. Well, I did do something like that during Joe's class but Joe didn't really emphasize on real fear as much as he did on real lust. Gary was all for encouraging us to scream our heads off and grovel on the floor. Kai and Kelly impressed me! Pei Yoong too, but it was in regards to the decibel of her scream.

My bulu roma remang wui!

However, Kazaf disappointed and depressed me. And she wasn't even in the same class. I would've paid good money to do the exercise Gary put us through but...I guess not anymore. I thought that after I revealed all my insecurities to her over phone messages on Saturday, she would get it and understand that I wanted more attention from her, especially now that we're in different classes.

Should I really be surprised that she chose to do the exact opposite? I'm honestly sick of trailing and pining over her like a pathetic puppy dog. I'm better than this. I have friends who would love to have my attention so it would be smarter of me to pay more attention to them instead of a girl who doesn't care whether or not I'm in the same planet.

When I walked up the stairs to my room after a very heavy dinner at the noodle house with Ajeet and the guys and pummeling some monsters on Zenji's PSP (which I still really, really, and am seriously thinking about keeping!), the word 『見捨てろ』just slipped from my lips.

pronounced mi-su-te-ro, it means forsake, abandon, or just simply throw away.

So many times, I've felt that she'd cast me aside like a toy she wasn't interested in anymore. I guess it's time for me to truly let go as well.

2009-01-11T07:05:00.000-08:00

This is the beginning of the Dear Jack letters.

Dear Jack,

We just had our class reunion at Italiannies, the Gardens, and I was one of the few who were disastrously late. On a good note, Tzuk liked my shirt *shrug*

I've been going on and off on Zenji's PSP lately and I love it to death. Even though I was a little skeptical of the colour at first, I know really love it! I think the fact that it's thin, light and allows me to play Crisis Core contributes much to the reason why I love it.

I am kind of proud of myself since this is the first game I ever played by myself (albeit the fact that Aniki did help me beat the Bahamut during one of the missions but I didn't ask him to!) and it's really fun seeing the story unfold by myself. I wouldn't say it's loads better than watching my brother play Square Enix games, since I really enjoyed myself watching him play Kingdom Hearts, but playing the game myself really gave me a sense of pride.

Please let me keep it, Zenji! I know I have to pay and I really want to but...

(>M<)

Maybe I should just wait for the new PSP to come out and get that one, sigh.

ねたいだ！

2008-06-18T05:34:00.000-07:00

ワンアカデミをはいたから、まいにちいそがしんだ。たとえば、きょのDesign Workshopのクラスのしゅくだいがある。はじめてだ。ふたつも。ほんとたいへんだ。いま、Design LectureのKLCCしゅくだいをされる。こんばん、ねたいだからはやくしたいんだ。イっしょうにがんばろう！おう！

How to Write a Fanfiction O.o

2008-02-15T21:01:00.000-08:00

This is something I really have to wonder about: do people really need guides on how to write fanfiction? I'd understand having a guide to writing good stories (since I myself love reading those guides to see what other people think is required in a 'good' story) but seriously...

Doesn't fanfiction just sort of expand from an idea you have concerning an existing franchise? Otherwise, why bother putting out a story in the first place? Whether that story is well received or not is another matter, though. But who cares? It's your own opinion on what could've happened to the characters in the franchise so why bother about popularity?

Therefore, I find myself a little amused at this.

Slam Dunk Lives Forever!

2008-01-18T02:53:00.000-08:00

For one odd reason or another, I started liking SendohxRukawa again. Well, I never really stopped liking them but since I'm rewatching the entire Slam Dunk series again, the SenRu pairing is prolly the only yaoi pairing I don't detest. Hang on...FujimaxMiyagi and MitsuixKogure ain't bad either...

Funny crack pairings would have to be HarukoxYohei and RukawaxHaruko's best friend - because I'm unexplainable that way. But it's amazing that even after so many years, the SenRu fandom is still alive!

The Meltwater livejournal account is still up and running!

And Slam Dunk has existed for ...um...a decade ago? I'm not too sure but it's one of the oldest animes I've watched (and am still watching even though the animation is old and not up to par). I can't explain the appeal. Slam Dunk is just one fandom I cannot let go and I think five years later, I would still dig it up from the dusty confines of my drawer and rewatch the whole thing.

It's odd because I kind of dislike/bordering on hate the main character. Not only is Sakuragi obnoxious, he's hard to portray in fanfiction! Anyways, am now downloading the final volumes of Slam Dunk to see what happened in the National finals and continued my first SenRu story. Five years...and this is my first SenRu story...I'm a disgrace.

Of Slow Days and Not Being Yourself

2007-12-13T06:56:00.000-08:00

The sun sets on yet another day and sorry to say, nothing much happened. The birthday lunch I arranged for Ming and Su was cancelled because Deepaa was too wasted from prom last night. Needless to say, I had to throw away the roses I bought for them last night. At least I gave some roses to Keshinn (instead of Deepaa like I'd initially planned).

Here's the update for the perusal of the future me: I went to prom without the Draco Malfoy outfit or the Xanxus eyebrows. Sad, innit? Still, I was the only girl in a suit at prom and one of the hotel guests smirked at me, which was totally cool because it made me feel more like I was cosplaying =D. Sheesh, I'm such a geek, lol.

Ming and Deep looked beautiful, as did everyone else. But Amanda and Keshinn looked the most natural, with - I think - Amanda looking the best. She has a very fresh face that'll prolly attract a boyfriend in college, fufu. Keshinn looked nice but looked sour because she wasn't used to wearing a bare-shouldered dress - a pity. Ken Vin looked smart and Kel showed up in a shocking red tie, which deserves mention from me since I'm the person who loves awkward flashiness XD!

Zubin looked amazing almost effortless. I think it's more of the way she brought herself rather than her neat manicure and face. No wonder Dharma fell for her. Mag showed up too! I was so surprised! - almost as surprised as everyone else when they first laid eyes on Ming after her makeover.

The saddest thing of the entire night was probably how hard people tried to look good that they didn't look like themselves at all. Among the people I hardly recognized with their prom look was Yin Lin and Mira. I had to backtrack and stare hard at them before pulling a name from my brain - no exaggeration, it's true.

Unfortunately, I obtained a stomachache and a lost cellphone as the night progressed and was it no fit mood for merry-making, though a chat with Naz and the sight of Dharma boogying on the dance floor with Zubin did make me laugh. And I didn't even get to discuss on books with Keegan like we promised.

Everyone tried not to be themselves at prom that my mood took a huge battering from the start. The only ones who veered from this norm (well, the ones I hung around enough to notice anyway) was probably Naz, Kimberley, Amanda, etc.

Well, at least I had fun pasting "Slap My Ass" signs on Dharma, Ken Vin and Boon Hong, though Ken Vin's and Boon Hong's fell away too quickly to be noticed. I did a lot of touching that night because I had to pretend that I was leaning on their backs to paste the signs (not to mention, rambling my mouth off with small talk to distract them and the people around them).

Still, Dharma noticed the signs on his back for some reason. I think it was because so many people flocked to his back to grab a photo of my hard work. So much for being low-key! It hurts that no one actually slapped his ass! They all just stood back and took pictures! Bummer, eh?

In any case, at least Ming and Deep enjoyed the night. It's less than what I would admit but hey - why ruin everyone's fun with your grumpiness?

~`~`~`

Jin updated her deviantart page! I squealed when I found out. Then I discovered how much of a fangirl I've become and sort of did a mental slap to myself. Still, if there was someone as cool and good-looking as her around me, I would so raep her.

~`~`~`
Reading: Bandages by Konitsu (VII/VIII X-over)
Obsessed about: Wild Life
Want: White Nail Polish

Laugh Like Mukuro

2007-12-11T23:08:00.000-08:00

kufufufufu, tonight is the time of reckoning to all those who are socially and fashionably challenged (i.e. moi). Tonight is PROM NIGHT! Deng, deng, de-ng! While many others would probably be sitting in saloons, I missed my chance and have a meeting with my bathroom mirror instead.

After sneaking some Gatsby mud from my bro's bathroom, I emerge from my own with a Draco Malfoy slick back hairstyle! That's right, I'll probably be walking through those JW Mariott double doors looking like a chubby black-haired Draco Malfoy in a Muggle suit. This is a perfect enough reason for Keshinn to kill me.

It doesn't help that I'm wearing female boots with that suit.

Still, I'm still hovering over the choice whether to go over the top (as if I already haven't as the only female in a suit tonight) or not. My nails are already black, and I was going for the whole vampire look. But the theme of the prom is 'Red Carpet' not 'Cosplay', lol.

The undead look can be achieved with dark green eyeshadow under my eyes, over my eyebags but coloured contacts were way too expensive. I already dried my mom with my whole outfit. I still can't believe I bought a whole four-piece set from ZARA, of all places.

Nevertheless, the scary look can be accomplished /without/ freaking-expensive contacts! I'll just draw my eyebrows weird - like Xanxus', kufufufufu!

And apparently, this is laugh like Mukuro day for me so /kufufufufufufu/!

Why by Ayaka

2007-12-05T05:04:00.000-08:00

W00T, this is my first attempt in translating a song! Of course, there must be mistakes since I referred a lot to freedict.com and the words I can't find, I guess the meaning, lol. Still, it's nice to figure out the meaning of the song on your own. What more; it's FF7!

Why by Ayaka (translated)
The inner part of your eyes are blurring,
Do you feel it at the bottom of your heart?

Everything in the world lies in your majestic hand,
Even so, are you happy?

Why do you look up at a lonely sky?
Why do you put on a laugh?

You are bad with words,
It's because I understand that about your personality,

What happened in the distant past,
that had changed your look on things?

Depending only on yourself,
Can you understand 'warmth' living like that?

Why do you fuss over shape and form?
Why does your heart come flying over,
with heavy luggage,
Have you tried believing,
in the power you accepted?
Oh yeah...

The reason why humans are awkward...
The reason why humans feel insecure...

Why do you look up to a lonely sky?
Why do you put on a laugh?
You are bad with words,
It's because I understand that about your personality,
Just try believing.

Why by Ayaka (original romaji)
Hitomi no oku ga boyake te mie nai
kokoro no soko no kimochi wa aru no ?

sekai no subete wo te ni shi ta toshite mo
sore ga anata no shiawase na no ?

Why kodoku na sora wo miageru no ?
Why waratte mise te yo

kotoba ni suru no ga heta na
anata no seikaku wakaru kara

tooi mukashi ni nani ga atta no ?
shisen wo sorasu anata no hitomi ni

hitori de samishii yoru ni dakishime rareru
sonna atataka sa shitteru ?

Why doushite katachi ni kodawaru no ?
Why kokoro wo hirai te
ookina nimotsu wo seotta
anata wo ukeire rareru chikara
aru wa shinji te mi te ?
Ohh..Yeaahh

jiyuu na hito wa bukiyou de ?
jiyuu na hito wa fuan de ?

Why kodoku na sora wo miageru no ?
Why waratte mise te yo
kotoba ni suru no ga heta na
anata no seikaku wakaru kara
shinji te mi te

Sigh, this song is so angsty its /delicious/. Don't know who the words are directed to, though. Sephiroth or Cloud maybe? The part where it says 'you're not good with words' definitely applies to them. I can understand if this song represents Zack's feelings towards Sephiroth or Cloud.

Or maybe it's about Angeal or Genesis who changed after learning that they weren't exactly human. 'What changed your look on things?' absolutely applies to them and Sephiroth. Ah well, this is indeed a drabble entry.

Bugger the Hailstorm

2007-12-02T05:49:00.000-08:00

Oh bugger, ate too much again today. I really should put the box of Thornton's toffee back in the kitchen. I already ate half of the entire block on my own.

Ming, Martin and I went indoor skydiving today before we came down from Genting. It was fun and always though I think I almost died this time, *chortles*. Each of us had two minutes in the high pressure wind chamber with two turns: meaning one turn = one minute.

I somehow managed to spin on my first turn. Our instructor Fairul was surprised and that ignited a really nice feeling, *smile*. But on my second turn, I turned too much and too fast until everything before my eyes literally became a blur.

My breathing shallowed and I became dizzy. I had no idea of where I was or what I was doing in the chamber, much less had any clue on stopping myself. I only remembered hoping that the buffeting wind would help me slow down or stop. No such luck. It only made me spin faster until Fairul entered and slammed into me to get me to stop.

Getting a hold of myself wasn't easy. It was scary but I want to go back in and try again. Unfortunately, indoor skydiving is a very expensive game. Le sigh, huh? Haha.

~`~`~`
Reading: A Long Hard Road chapter 11, The Dante Club

Wonderful Laughter

2007-11-30T06:43:00.000-08:00

There is no drearier way to spend a Friday than to sit through a six-hour course on the theory and safety measures of driving. Nothing could've eased the long ordeal that each of us must face if we ever intend to get behind the driver's wheel in good ol' Malaysia.

The second I stepped into the classroom, cooled with three air conditioners - I nearly froze to death - I knew it wasn't going to be pleasant. I tried, for the most part to pay attention. But eyes - I'm sure mine are not the only ones - kept wandering to the clock.

Our lecturer for the first three hours was not a bad guy. He made us laugh the best he could with reminisces of driving errors he'd face with other driving hopefuls. And then there was that laugh. It came from the person sitting directly behind me.

He had a beautiful laugh. So much so that I spent the rest of the lesson trying to catch him laughing again. His face was ordinary. He looked like every other guy with gelled hair and multiple black rubber bangles on his right wrist. But he had a nice voice for laughing.

That was what had captured my attention the entire day. It was funny because I didn't like him, didn't know him at all.

Too Lazy to Blog Properly

2007-11-28T02:38:00.000-08:00

Morning agenda

-Said 'hi' to the guard at school who will /never/ let me forget that he had to run around searching for the girl who asked her mom to send the tub of butter caramel sweets (courtesy of ms. geetha) to school because she left it at home.

-Entered the examination hall. Kelvin was a little late.

-Spent around two and 1/2 hours to paint my art piece for SPM. Wasn't as stressful as Trial 2 (because the piece I sketched for Trial 2 had so much more detail and stuff to colour) and finished way ahead of time.

-Dropped off Kel at Jaya Jusco. He's going to Thailand on the 6th Dec to watch the SEA games. Rock-climbing class has to be scheduled after he returns (if I can get more people to join). It's RM100 for a full 4-hour class, ppl!

-Returned home for a lunch of Cocoa Pebbles cereal, chocolates and some old toffee.

Afternoon/Evening Agenda

-Retuned old stories with a cup of Twinings Green Tea by my side (it wasn't green! it was brown!)

-Went to Megamall for some gym.

-Bathed in gym and left out early to collect reserved ticket for movie 'Stardust'.

-Mummy doesn't allow me to watch the movie so I let go of the ticket and have to wait for my brother to finish having his hair cut. His hairdresser, Danny, is funny...and popular.

-Bought some salty popcorn.

-Ate more toffee at home.

Night agenda

-It hasn't happened yet. It's only 0647 right now, lol.

Different, I would say

2007-11-25T05:51:00.000-08:00

Right now, I am possibly the only person in the graduating class of 5Sc1 2007 who is not cramming for the SPM Biology papers tomorrow and I can list down at least three people from the top of my head who would not hesitate to tell me that they hated me at this moment. Then again, I might just pick up by old Biology reference book just for kicks.

But today sure has been *different* for me. Other than catching up on the latest chapters of Katekyo Hitman Reborn, Fairy Tail and D.Gray-Man, today is the start of my three-day fruit flush diet. It is agonizing. The only thing I've consumed today other than protein shakes (which tasted disgusting!) is a bowl of salad with chicken and olive oil + a whole grain bar that I /wasn't/ supposed to take, *snicker*.

Still, it's been really challenging since today is the LAST day of the Japan Iwate Food Fair at Jusco. I don't care about the scallops and grilled fish but the pumpkin and vegetable korokke/croquette! The chocolate omelette! The ogura dorayaki! The sesame and mitarashi dangos! Argh!!!!

I want to cry.

12000 words ++

2007-11-19T04:13:00.000-08:00

The only reason I'm happy right now because I passed the 12,000 words-mark for my latest FF7 fanfic, which is an absolute thrill to write at the moment. The only problem is that I have no idea whether or not I should post it online. Not to mention, I just got my first ever commission for a story by Keshinn. No requirements other than it being a gay love story. She has no idea how easy it actually is for me, lol. Still, I can't work on it now. SPM is still on after all.

Subtle Things

2007-11-17T03:30:00.000-08:00

It was always Ginger Ale. Whenever we ate at Monte's, he never failed to order Ginger Ale, which surprised me at first because Ginger Ale was a Western drink that shouldn't have matched his Chinaman tastebuds. The signs were there, albeit subtle.

My brother was complaining about my mother and I following him to London. He doesn't want us there because our presence - even if we tried our hardest not to - would impeach upon his concentration skills while studying for his exams. Okay, no big deal.

I tell my father, 'so what?' It wasn't imperative that my mother and I go to London. It's fine. We'll stay home. But he pushed us into agreeing to take a tour package into Europe instead, one with different hotel accomodations than my brother's.

Even without looking at his sour expression, I knew that he had a reason for doing so. He didn't want my mother and I to be in the country at the end of January. He would see to it that we would be in London no matter what the cost.

When his order of carbonara arrived, he said that he'll leave some for me, in case I wanted it. He told me he couldn't finish it. I glanced at the plate. It was a medium-sized portion, one that wouldn't have satisfied the appetite of a normal man. I told this to him and he shook his head.

It was clear to me that he didn't, rather than couldn't, finish the pasta. My guess was that he was saving his stomach for a later dinner date, one that he had no intention of revealing to us but was obvious anyway.

Is it evil of me to second-guess my father so much? He gives me money and is my blood father. As such I should respect and honour him. But as we all know, being good to our parents can sometimes be the hardest thing to do.

Morning Rain

2007-11-14T16:21:00.000-08:00

8.21 a.m.
It started raining as I was reading through the first chapter of Fujimi Orchestra. It wasn't like the storm that raged yesterday; rather like a drizzle to start out the day. Rainy season is awful because there are too many dark clouds in the sky.

The neighbour who lives in the opposite house comes running home from his jog around the neighbourhood. Not long after, he departed again with a yellow umbrella in his hand. What business could he have had in the early morning plagued with drizzle?

This ends the report for a Thursday morning.

Ashita

2007-11-13T05:34:00.000-08:00

Ashita wa donna no hii? Ame no hii? Kumo ga ippai no hii? Yami no hii? Ashita wa donna no hii? Wakatakareba, oshiete kureru? Watashi wa junbii ga hoshii.

Ute, Kurodaia

2007-11-10T19:34:00.000-08:00

I have gone mad. My name is now Yamada Ueri. 17 years old and attending the third and final year of high school. I live in between dimensions and the current one I am in is the one I originate from. I can travel to two other dimensions and in both, I am a fighter.

In one world, I am a civillian mistaken as a ShinRa cadet and is often put on the front line when monsters attack Midgar. In the other world, I am a rogue, wandering Shinigami officer with no rank and no specific position in any squad.

Captain Kurosutchi wants to lock me up in his lab because this is the first time he knows someone who can cross dimensions like that. I have trouble lying low because I have an odd talent for releasing Materia. My sword skills are so-so, and I have my own zanpakutou, which is called Kurodaia.

I achieved shikai five years ago and have been summoned often to the Soul Society for small missions. In both worlds, my worth is only as a fighter.

My name is Yamada Ueri. I am the person trapped between two worlds. I have gone mad.

Bleach rant?

2007-11-10T04:40:00.000-08:00

Most people would know better than to read and re-read the entire series of Bleach a day before national exams. Unfortunately (though sometimes fortunately), I am inevitably not 'most people'. And I have a few questions to pose:

Why is it that the girls always fall for Kurosaki Ichigo? Sure, he's a nice guy. He's powerful, stubborn, acts like a tough guy and is good-looking, but there are tons of other guys in the series too!

What about Sado? And Ishida, Ikkaku, Renji, Byakuya, and so on and so on. But so far, we have Orihime, Nel and (maybe) Rukia hanging off Ichigo. He's a good guy, but he's not the only one.

Question no. 2: In the anime series, there was a weird clip during the opening song of the Bounto arc. It opens with Ichigo and Rukia somewhere is Seireitei, and Ichigo being captivated by a nameless Shinigami with a zanpakutou that has some sort of autumn leaf power. What the hell is that about?

Who is she? She's definitely not in the manga series? And who are those guys who captured here? And why is it that while Ichigo seemed to be romantically detached throughout the whole series (both manga and anime) he's unexplainably attracted to this no-name Shinigami? Is she a Mary Sue brought to life?

Ah, well. I shouldn't be noticing all of this a day before SPM anyways. And I probably shouldn't add that Ichigo is tough to draw compared to Zaraki Kenpachi and Shiba Ganju. The ugly guys are always easier and more interesting to draw.

~`~`~`
Downloading: Lovely Complex
Reading: Bleach ch 299 [woot! Byakuya kicks Espada ass!]

No NaNoWriMo This Year Either

2007-11-07T23:36:00.000-08:00

A side regret (when I think about it) is that I can't participate in NaNoWriMo this year either because of SPM. After putting it off for so long, I thought that I would finally muster enough determination to write about 10,000 words worth of a story per day, which is prerequisite to actually winning the NaNoWriMo challenge. Though, it's nice to know that in about two weeks, I can write, read and draw all I want.

~`~`~`
Downloading: Bleach manga...I'm holding of Katekyo Hitman Reborn because Martin promised to give me vol. 5 until the latest chapter after SPM.
Reading: Bleach manga
Watching: Bleach anime

A Bucker of Tears ~ Sorrowful Goodbye

2007-11-07T05:03:00.000-08:00

"One for you...and one for you..." This was Ming passing out tissue papers very much earlier today after the closing of our farewell ceremony. The day was finally upon us - our last schooling day in Sri Garden. It didn't really hit us hard until we saw all our teachers lining up in a row outside the school hall, waiting to bid us farewell and good luck one by one.

The tears came hard. At first it was hysterical, since Pn. Siti was the first teacher I shook hands with in the line. Then as I went further down and saw other teachers tearing up for real, suddenly the thought of leaving all of them - leaving the school which I had attended for the past eight years along - was heartbreaking.

Clasping one hand over my mouth and one hand extended to shake more hands, it was hard to stop when the tears just spring to your eyes. I was confused and startlingly sad, more than anything. Amidst all those hugs I gave and received as well as handshakes, I forgot what I had said to each teacher and what they had said to me in return. But the feeling was tangible, a comprehensible concept; that we had spent glorious years with these teachers - laughing, brooding and learning all the way - and now it was (almost) time to part.

And so, I had no idea how the others managed not to cry. Ming, Siti, Keshinn, Nazeera, Jia Min, Sheen Leng and myself were but a few who were members of the Crying Entourage. I'm sure there were many from other classes who broke down as well. It all came down to this inexpressible feeling of wanting to thank them and say goodbye at the same time.

"I never expected you to cry," Keshinn had mentioned. "Since you're supposed to be a man and all..."

After three different schools, I finally found the perfect alma mater. Thank you for putting up with us and coaching us all the way. I will miss all of you.

Clock is Ticking

2007-11-06T05:46:00.001-08:00

"Thank you, Ms. Geetha!" our class chorused after Keegan as our beloved Additional Math teacher walked out the doors of our classroom, finishing her final lesson. She won't be in Sri Garden next year and neither will we (as the graduating class 07).

With this in mind, I pointed at the doors, "That was the last time we would ever be able to thank Ms. Geetha like that!"

Ming did a dramatic sniffle and declared, "Let's do it again!" She, Deepaa and I rushed out of our classroom and scrambled towards Ms. Geetha who was midway entering another classroom but stepped out again when she saw us cluttered in the middle of the corridor.

"One, two, three..."

"THANK YOU, MS. GEETHA!" We all did a little bow and the emotion that seeped out was a little more than I ever intended. I felt a bit teary but told myself I was silly. We could always visit her. I had her number and email address. And she wasn't the only one we had to thank and say goodbye to.

Our days in the school are almost up. It's nearly time to go.

I Pity My Hair

2007-11-06T05:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my PMS day, meaning it was th day I let myself be moody and blame it on unpredictable and volatile female hormones. I felt so down about my body and weight (again) so naturally (or not so naturally for the rest of you) I snipped off my own hair again.

My fringe was half its length by the time I was done. My sideburns were history and my hair was all in all wonky and funny-looking. The hairstylist I met today was snickering when he asked me why I cut my own hair in Cantonese. I tried my level best to answer in broken Cantonese that no one in school commented on my haircut or even seemed to notice that my hair was no longer the same.

Either that or they just didn't want to point it out, with the exception of John and Nazeera who took it upon themselves to advice me that I should consult a professional hairstylist the next time I decided to massacre my hair. So I did.

Now, my hair is super short - though not the shortest it's ever been - and attracting stares form all around. I was crossing the street to get to Sri Kota when a boy in the back of a passing car stared indiscreetly at my haircut with his eyes bulging and mouth slightly hanging. Yeah, stare all you want. I'm the freak show of Taman Desa. Viewings are completely free of charge.

A Facade of Bravery...is it?

2007-11-05T04:51:00.001-08:00

I have an ego too big for my own good. Sometimes, I just want to reach out to someone and cry for help; that I can't stand to face my fears alone and I need to know that someone loves me. But that my pride stands up and slaps me across the face.

The next thing I know, I'm scoffing at anyone who gets close and give off 'you're-too-close-so-back-off' vibes. I scare off anyone who wanders near and yet I want them to be close. While my insecurites say I need someone to depend on, my ego tells me that I can do it alone.

I do not need anyone. If I try, I can make it on my own. My own psychological make-up backfires on my feelings at these times. My nature tells me to be a woman and to be kind. But my own inbred loathing for weakness drives me away from that instinct forcing me to be stronger and blanch at the sight of others who do what I cannot: be a woman.

It's just too hard to take on all that is required of a woman: to be pretty and to live off men's affections. A part of me wants that and a part of me thinks, /pathetic/. There's too much inner conflict and I get lost in translation. It ends up with me not knowing what I want or where I stand.

This is as much of the truth that I can divulge. But look at me now and you will see a girl with her arms crossed defensively and occasionally with a fist raised in indignation, "Fuck off! I can do it on my own!" but her eyes screams for someone to love her.

Soya Bean Milk and White Flags

2007-11-04T05:20:00.000-08:00

Cold soya bean milk never tasted so satisfying fresh out of the refrigerator. It's not SEASONS - it's Yeo's - but at least it's not some cheap crap saturated with sugar. I swiped a carton of orange juice the other day that was just that and promptly tossed it into the trash bin after one sip.

My maid asked if it was too sour. All I could think of was 'amai' which is basically the Japanese word for sweet. I've been learning Bahasa Malaysia for about 11 years now and I forget the word for 'sweet' at a given moment. How sad am I? Lol.

Anyways, this post is to commemorate the day that I did a solid hour ++ on the treadmill (hence the thirst for soya bean milk, before my shower I had a can and a half of 100 Plus which I never touch) and the moment that I give up on trying to study for my SPM.

It's in a week's time but I just can't get my head into it. All I do is download and rewatch Final Fantasy cutscenes (especially FFVII: Crisis Core trailers and FFX-2 1000 no Kotoba) as well as read AkuRoku fics since there's a sad deficient of good SephCloud stories. Shit, Twig really converted me for good.

Now I only hope that the Lord will see fit to help me to sufficiently well in my exams and that I will have no regrets regarding this...laziness (there really is no other word for is, is there?) in future.

~`~`~`
Plotting: A Thrill Ride for the Princess
Reading: AkuRoku fanfic
Cannot find: My Prince of Egypt VCD
Mood: sigh...

Seph/Cloud is OTP!

2007-11-02T06:52:00.000-07:00

This is bad. This is really, really bad. I can no longer read Leon/Cloud and it's all Twig's fault! After A Long, Hard Road, I got so swept up by Sephiroth/Cloud that it's now rooted deeply as my OTP! No! *wails*

Will I still be able to enjoy Soceress Fantasia's Vanilla without thinking that it's all wrong for Cloud to be with Leon? Ah, dammit!

Of Borrowed Cars and Spilt Milk

2007-11-02T05:22:00.000-07:00

When I came from from some quick shopping at MidValley (to get Qayyum's BLAME! and dinner: salmon sashimi and a stick of mitarashi dango ^^), I discovered that my brother had taken my car without my permission. And I knew that this would only be the first of many times to come.

That in itself was disconcerting to my already slightly moody spirits...but then the Milk Incident happened. Why trying to pull off the cover of a milk carton, the milk did a mini explosion from the jolt as I pried off the cover. There was milk on the counter, on the floor, seeping into my shirt, wetting my arm and clinging onto my hair!

It feels sticky now and I don't want to wash it T.T

~`~`~`
Watching: FFVII Crisis Core - CG fight between Sephiroth, Genesis and Angeal
Drinking: The milk from the aforementioned Milk Incident
Mood: Blah =.=

Last Chapter of Secondary School

2007-10-29T06:48:00.000-07:00

There are less than two weeks before my secondary education ends. I seriously don't know how to feel. If SPM were not pressing down on me, perhaps I would have the time to reflect on the things I should be doing to commemorate the end of my secured education days. After this, the path of my life will be decided by my own will. Whether I end up in a good place or a bad place is entirely up to me and that thought terrifies me.

But what strikes me now with the ending of my school days is that I probably won't meet many of my class/schoolmates anymore. Most of them are my friends because we see each other and we say high. But once the walls of the schools are metaphorically torn down to make way for our independant futures, will we ever cross paths again? Will we remember one another? Or will we merely fade into nameless faces of photos kept in the photo album?

I know many nice people at school with whom I share no common interest, many of whom I am sure will lead a lifestyle fundamentally different to mine (which is no hard feat because my choices for the future are...less than conventional, you might say). The chances that we will meet are very slim. So I can't help but feel sad at the friendships that I will forget and the blanket of security that will be pulled from under all of our feat.

I am scared to go out into society because I am still incomplete. I still want to remain with the friends that I have made so many years ago and kept till now. I want to stay with the people who know, more or less, my quirks and will not bat an eyelash at my daily oddities.

And most of all, I don't want to tread out into the world and find out how small I really am.

~`~`~`

Reading: Katekyoushi Hitman Reborn
Writing: The Psychology of Running Away

What Goes Around, Comes Around

2007-10-27T00:02:00.000-07:00

Cliche, no? Blase much? Unfortunately, it's the topic assigned to my class by our ever-lovable English teacher, En. Iskhandar. Sir, I fear that you will get 29 essays on invidual opinions concerning karma. Seriously, what else is there?

What is karma but an arrow on a neverending search for a target but never finding purchase? It pierces flesh through flesh, and the momentum carries it to yet another person. Karma doesn't stop at one place. Neither does it begin from one particular origin. It is weaved into our way of life, the unspoken rule.

But this isn't something that would be interesting on an SPM paper, would it?

~`~`~`

Reading: A Long, Hard Road chapter 30 by Twig (Seven more chapters to go!!!)

Woe is Paint

2007-10-16T07:37:00.000-07:00

I am starting to hate the upcoming practical art examination. Sure, the topic is interesting and since I'm working with a new media (water colour), I have to practice before I actually do the exam. But after drawing the same piece for about three times and having to paint the same figures (albeit in different techniques), it's really starting to piss me off. I'm sick of my own reproduced drawings and sick of trying to find the perfect colour balance for an art piece I would have to finish within the given time limit of a mere three hours. Sigh, this is crap.

~`~`~`

Watching: NUMB3RS Season 1+2
Reading: none - I'm painting my own fucking work, remember?

Snippets (6)

2007-10-15T18:46:00.001-07:00

During Nazeera's raya lunch party...

Me: Boon, where are you going next year (after Form 5)?

Boon: UTAH.

Me: ...as in, America?!

Boon: Huh? No, Universiti Tunku Abdul Rahman.

Lesson? Why do we have a university in Malaysia called UTAH?

Cut My Hair

2007-10-13T07:43:00.000-07:00

When bad mood overcame me yesterday, I snipped off my hair. The amount I cut off was enough to clog up the sink. It wasn't noticeable since no one commented on it. But when bad mood claimed me again today, I did not have enought extra hair to cut. I stood in my toilet, at a lost for what to do to get rid of my frustration. In the end, I left my toilet with a building headache. There was nothing that I could do.

Like A Nightmare

2007-10-12T06:51:00.000-07:00

Today seemed like a nightmare. While everything that happened was real enough, when I thought back about it, they came in fragments like pieces of a nightmare held together only by the feeling of dread.

Food-wise, today was a mess. Lunch and dinner were dominated by organic and vegetarian food because my mother turned vegetarian for a period of time in honour of some Buddhist thing. The detox food served at lunch was positively puke-inducing. Never in my life had I suffered that much through lunch.

Then there was the dread of the impending mess tomorrow, which happens to be the first day of Hari Raya. The plan is completely messed up and out of my pace. I don't feel comfortable about this at all. Even now the bitter feeling plagues me. Thoughts of declining to go out at all tomorrow has crossed my mind. But I have a friend that depends on me for transportation.

I need some space. It had never been clearer by the events today that privacy was a luxury I could not afford.

The only probable good thing that happened to me today was the fact that I bumped into Sue Sein in Mid Valley and got her contact number. She's become prettier. *smirk*

~`~`~`

Watched: Lust, Caution
Reading: Pendragon Book One
Playing: (NDS) Final Fantasy 3

SPM Trial 2: Day Eight; The End of the Second Week

2007-10-11T19:07:00.001-07:00

Papers today:

Chemistry 2, Chemistry 3

My Chemistry papers are going to turn out awwwwfuuuul. I definitely can live without seeing them again. On a brighter note, five days of no-school is waiting for me. I finally have time to work on my stories.

~`~`~`

Writing: Sell My Heart, Youichi
Playing: (NDS) Trauma Centre, Final Fantasy 3; (guitar) To Zanarkand by DuoDn

SPM Trial 2: Day Seven

2007-10-10T02:43:00.000-07:00

Papers today:

Principal Accounting (optional), Chemistry 1, Mathematics 2

Way back when I was a kid (man that makes me sound so old) who used to enjoy playing running games (like 'Catch', 'Ice and Fire', etc.), the only things my friends and I needed where things to appoint as safehouses, like a pillar, a chair - anything!

Apparently, kids these days need something extra: mobile phones. They subsitute as walkie talkies. One kid can just call their friend on the other side of the field and warn him about the oncoming enemy. The concept itself is not strange. The fact that it's actually implemented is.

I can only wonder how simple games like 'catch' will develop over the years.

~`~`~`

Reading: FOCUS EXCEL Chemistry Form 5, Pendragon Book One: Merchant of Death
Downloading: You're the Prize in My Viewfinder

SPM Trial 2: Day Six

2007-10-09T03:51:00.000-07:00

Papers today:

Additional Math 2, Additional Math 1, Principal Accounting (optional)

I saw a grasshopper today. It was sticking to the glass of the window in my house. My first thought was to snap a picture. Instead, I continued my climb up the stairs and plopped down onto my bed in exhaustion. Although I had slept in the car earlier, I still felt tired. Additional Math can take a lot out of a person. Sometimes it feels like your life source being drained out by writing the numbers and variables.

On a happy note, mummy's friends (Datuk) brought back Mozartkugeln for her from his trip to Vienna. They're these round balls of chocolates with a marzipan centre and wrapped in foil with a picture of Mozart on them. Must visit Vienna one day and buy some Mozartkugeln of my own.

~`~`~`

Reading: FOCUS EXCEL Chemistry Form 5, Eyeshield 21
Downloading: Okane Ga Nai

SPM Trial 2: Day Five

2007-10-08T07:28:00.000-07:00

Papers today:

Physics 2, Physics 3, Physics 1

Sometime between Physics 3 and Physics 1, the girls began talking about prom. As per usual, something inside my head switches off and my attention wanders away to the other people chatting and eating in the cafeteria. I did, though, manage to catch a few words like 'manicure' and 'hairdressing'.

I seriously cannot help but feel sad that I'm so cut off. That they have grown inevitaby towards womanhood (does that sort of stuff account as womanhood???) and I...well, I am still - as my mom put it - 'a little girl'.

I know that there are some people who misunderstand, thinking that I purposefully push my girly instincts away when it comes to 'make up and stuff' but that's not the whole truth. What happens is that I grow cold and I feel empty. I do not push the girly instincts away. They have already deserted me, leaving me with a memory of what they used to be.

~`~`

Reading: Additional Math notes
Downloading: Okane Ga Nai

Radioactivity is the Human Psyche

2007-10-06T21:36:00.000-07:00

Radioactivity is the spontaneous disintegration of unstable nucleus into a more stable nucleus with the emission of energetic particles or photon. The decay occurs randomly.

Sounds a lot like human psychology, doesn't it?

Reading: SUCCESS Physics SPM
Watching: Yu-Gi-Oh!
Downloading: Eyeshield 21

Snippets (5)

2007-10-05T22:59:00.000-07:00

While watching Yu-Gi-Oh! Part 4...

Brother: What is 'anaglyph'?

Me: Dunno.

Brother: What is 'snit'?

Me: Dunno.

Brother: What do you know?

Me:...dunno.

Lesson? I have never heard of those words before!

Snippets (4)

2007-10-05T22:55:00.001-07:00

During ICT lesson...

Me: You know, to be happy you have to be ridiculously stupid.

John: You mean, like you?

Me: [stares at John speechlessly]

John: You know, with the way you are and all...

Me: You're a jackass.

John: Yeah.

Me and John: [chuckles derisively]

Lesson? Actually, I'm still confused.

Dream? (2)

2007-10-05T22:51:00.000-07:00

Last night, I had a dream that I grew an impressive beard and mustache overnight. A normal reaction would be to scream and shave it off immediately, right? So I wonder why my dream self was showing it off and bragging about it to everyone instead ("Look, I can grow facial hair faster than any of the guys!"). I am one weird little freak.

Watching: Yu-Gi-Oh! GX
Reading: Umaimon Kuwasero
Downloading: Bukiyou na Silent

Snippets (3)

2007-10-05T03:56:00.000-07:00

During CF...

Eddie: The people of authority are have that authority because God put them there.

Me: So, does that justify Hitler?

Steph: That's deep.

Eddie: Yeah, I know.

Lesson? It's not very apparent but when it's a topic I'm not comfortable with, I become as defensive and cynical as all shit.

Brother's Rant

2007-10-05T03:51:00.000-07:00

'Cool' lines my brother and his friend thought up for their self-made T-shirts:

The Envoy of the End

The Dawn of Tomorrow

The King of Kings...there is only one

Yea, I know the last one came from Triple H (WWE)

SPM Trial 2: Day Four ~ End of the First Week

2007-10-05T03:40:00.001-07:00

Papers today:

Pendidikan Moral or Pendidikan Islam 1, Pendidikan Islam 2

I have no idea how the Pendidikan Islam papers were (according to Naz, they were killer because there was Jawi in it), but the Pendidikan Moral paper had the potential to ruin my mood for the rest of the day.

In fact, it did a little. The rest of school hours was spent almost wastefully... fruitlessly, and a side of watching Pn. Rokiah threaten the noisy crowd in the class with a rubber band poised between two fingers. It's amazing how much fear one rubber band can induce. Ming got the whole thing on video so must ask it from her.

After that, I attended CF with hopes of cheering up my mood. Didn't help much, sad to say, because today's topic of discussion was parental authority. I immidiately converted into default cynical mode that I had to control my mouth for the rest of the session so that I won't sour the discussion.

Had a nice surprise when I got home though. A package was waiting for me. Turned out to be a birthday gift and card from Ming's beau in Adelaide. Mucho gracias, Bubbles. Sorry for all the misunderstood emnity...that is, hopefully you know by now that it was misplaced on my part...SORRY!!!

He sent her something along with my package too. Sweet innit? I going over to her place tonight to hand over the package. Hopefully mood will improve as night progresses.

Reading: Saa Koe ni Ochitamae / Fall in Love with Me
Downloading: Awkward Silence

SPM Trial 2: Day Three

2007-10-04T05:23:00.000-07:00

Papers today:

Biology 1, Biology 2, Biology 3

...which was why I didn't go to school today. My friends hate me for the very same reason.

SPM Trial 2: Day Two

2007-10-03T06:52:00.000-07:00

Papers today:

Sejarah 2, English 1, English 2

All were subjective and/or essay-ish papers, so you can imagine the amount of pain everyone was in by the end of the way. If everyone was expressive, they'd be wringing their writing hands like me.

English 1 was the most interesting by far, since there it was the 'English-essay paper'. I chose the optional title of House of Memories. I had a workable idea but I could've twisted and played around with it more had I not been pressed to finish the paper within the alotted time.

Anyways, I'm going to post the idea here so I can play around with it in future (which is going to be way better than the cliche I wrote for my paper today).

House of Memories
There was a man who lived in a lab with a professor. The room he has was filled with cards; stacks of cards, houses of cards. Ace of Hearts, Jack of Spades always on the top.

Within him there was another house of cards. Cards with silver lines containing data. This data were his memories. These memories generate feelings. And feelings give birth to his personality.

But the memories were not his. By that reasoning, the personality he has now was not his either. House of cards was fragile. They scatter with a single touch.

He touched his house of memories and sent his cards tumbling, wondering dimly if the professor would build him up again.

POV: first person
A/N: This is so cliche that I want to cry.

SPM Trial 2: Day One

2007-10-02T02:37:00.000-07:00

Papers today:

Bahasa Melayu 1, Bahasa Melayu 2, Sejarah 1

The thing I hate most about exams is the sight of my classmates huddled around tables trying to do last-minute (or rather last-second) cramming. For some reason, I find it depressing that they can't cut themselves some slack. I'm pretty sure they studied their butts off so why not relax several minutes before the paper. When they huddle around like that, I get the impression that they're memorizing a prayer seconds before the end of the world or something.

But the real reason I managed today peacefully is all thanks to the Lord. I prayed this morning and I prayed in the middle of the day. I prayed for the Lord to keep me calm and to be able to do my papers properly. And I'm really thankful it all worked out. Now, on to the second day...

Dream?

2007-09-30T18:04:00.000-07:00

Here's a funny thing: A person usually has an average of five dreams per night. But more often that not, we forget them. The most we can remember is two bizarre scenarios (assuming that all dreams are made to be bizarre).

What brought this up? Well - yes - I had a very odd dream last night. It was a recurring one. Can I call it recurring if it doesn't happen on consecutive nights? Rather, the first dreams happened years ago and yesterday's dream was like a reminisence. This is not the first time a reminisence-like dream happened to me anyway.

Anyways, the dream was this:

My brother and I (and other nameless, faceless folk whose names I can't place now that I'm awake) were at a beach resort. My brother was bowling and I was learning how to surf. Funny thing was, the sea meeting the shore was divided up like bowling lanes.

So you had my brother bowling on lacquer that somehow was on the sea, and in the neighbouring lane, you had me learning how to surf. Doesn't make sense now, but that's what all dreams are generally like, right?

Moving on...I was getting pretty good and excited about surfing. And I managed to ride a small wave which made me elated. After that, we all retired.

I wanted to go back to surf. The winds were picking up but I didn't care. I brought out my rented surfboard with me and headed for the shore where I surfed last. But there was do-not-enter tape posted at the shore, barring me from touching the water. The sign said something about surfers losing their lives trying to ride in this weather.

It was no ordinary wind. A typhoon was coming.

I quickly left. But once I was inside, I realized that I left my board outside. If the typhoon broke it, I would have to pay a serious amount of money. I went back to the beach but the entrance from the resort was closed.

I told the guard on duty that I left my board outside and needed to get it back. He answered with a, "Sure you did," and paid no more attention to me. When he wasn't paying attention, the jumped the white gate but the main entrance after that was sealed up too.

The only way to get to the beach was the the lifeguard treehouse (yes, you heard me right). I climbed the rickety stairs up to the treehouse and was about to descend the other steps of stairs leading to the beach but the female lifeguard in the treehouse suddenly came out the inspect a broken window.

"The window is broken," they observed needlessly. "[insert boy's name here] is going to be so upset. The [insert mystical name here] window has been around for so long."

I didn't have time to waste on being mystified. But the girls were standing in my way. I squeezed past them to get to the stairs which were bordering on haunted-house fragile. I ran down them recklessly and ran to the spot where I left my board.

By this time, the waves were more than choppy. The sky was darkening, the sea looked like a dangerous monster and the coconut trees were waving in the howling wind. I picked up my board and went.

There's a fragment of my dream missing here. My board is missing and I'm trying to find it. And I was somehow in the middle of a chase. I don't know who is chasing me. I don't know why I'm trying to escape. All I know is that I somehow knew where my board was.

Running through a golden marble corridor, I opened one of the door in the side of the wall and jumped in. The room turned out to be a theatre. There was an opera-cum-circus show going on. The performers onstage were wearing masquerade masks.

I jumped onto the stage and surged left. I yanked open a door I knew was there and ran inside. How do I say this? I have been in this place before? I had the feeling that I was doing this twice in the dream.

Like the first time, I confronted the main performer onstage. But this time, it was as if I 'learned my lesson' and ducked to her right to avoid her and went straight for the door. Both had occured but the timespace is messy.

After that, I entered a narrow room that looked like a narrow London shoplot. The flooring was of old wood and the wallpaper was warm and old. There was a wardrobe in the corner. I opened it and went inside it. I don't remember rummaging but I emerged with my surfboard. Or at least, a little of what was left of it. I only found the tip of the board. The rest was missing.

Suddenly, a Western lady with crazy hair and coke-bottle glasses grabbed my arm and urged me to go/escape quickly. I told her tearily about my surfboard but she 'bah'ed my and said I could get another one. This matter was more serious.

I never found out what 'this matter' was. I never saw the face of my pursuers, if I truly had been pursued by someone. But I have this odd feeling that the first time I had this dream, it had ended in the same way. Magically appearing in a narrow London shoplot in the midst of escaping an unknown danger.

What, pray tell, is the meaning of this?

Snippets (2)

2007-09-28T07:54:00.001-07:00

On prom dates...

Keshinn: Hey (my name) ~ my date!

Me: Hey Keshinn ~ my bitch!

Lesson? Whoever who agrees to my date unwittingly gives me teasing rights over them ^^

Happiness Comes in Teaspoons

2007-09-28T07:31:00.000-07:00

Ming: Everyone has quirks in their personalites. Mine is probably low self-esteem. What's yours?

Me: (thinks for a while) Mine's probably my forged optimism.

I have no doubt that there are many out there who smiles without feeling happy too. It's our way of comforming to what society expects of sensitive people like us. People don't like it when there's a frown on your face. They don't want to know your problems.

When they ask, "How are you?", they're not really requesting that you tell them your anxieties. All they are expecting is "I'm fine, thanks," so that they can be on their merry way. You expect the same of others as well, don't you?

So just keep smiling and one day, like me, you'll believe in your facade. Who cares if it isn't real? As long as you're feeling some measure of happiness - that's good enough.

Snippets

2007-09-27T03:16:00.000-07:00

Keshinn: Can I borrow a pencil?

Me: [rummages through stationery for pencil and finally found one]

Keshinn: Oh, it's okay. I already have...

Me: [scowls]

Naz: You've been making that face often lately. What happened to that "aw shucks, it's okay" person that we all used to know and love?

Me: I know both of you far too long to bother being polite anymore.

Lesson? You'll always be my friend. You know too much.

Iron Wall, Additional Math

2007-09-25T06:31:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought I could actually get to like Additional Math, it goes and reminds me why I should utterly hate it. Finding tangent to the curve, measuring the value of the area bound between x=2 and x=3 under the curve, and from that find the volume generated in terms of pi...

T__T. I want to cuss but I still want to respect the people who actually like Additional and Further Math out there.

Trivialities of a Bad Day

2007-09-24T07:45:00.000-07:00

Sigh, today was a pretty bad day for me. Seriously. It started out bad, evened out in the middle but ended with a disastrous finale. By the time I arrived home from school, I was practically: 'do not talk to me, I will not respond kindly if you do' to my whole family.

I realize that it was really bitchy of me to do that but sometimes mood swings really take a life of their own. I guess the pressure of Trial 2 and SPM is really getting to me. Not to mention, Ming keeps saying that she's stupid. I wish I could find a way to convince her that she's not. If she's stupid, there wouldn't even be a word in any vocabulary to describe the true idiots.

In addition to that, I grew fatter TT__TT. Luckily, no one around me really takes notice of my actual weight because I wear baggy clothes all the time but I'm getting really, really self conscious about my looks. I hate this.

The only probably consolation today was the look on Tzuk's face when I gave him the Patchi chocolate. Being able to make someone laugh and smile always makes my day. Shows how dependant and pathetic I am, huh?

Anyways, it's surprising that the one to calm my internal storm was my brother. Usually, he's the one trying to cause it but today, speaking with him was nice. It's one of the times that I'm really glad for his odd nature.

Post Script: John, I hope Amanda says yes! ^^

Post, Post Script: I got a date for prom! Keshinn and I are going to be a lesbo couple LOL!

Colours of Emotions Changing Like the Wind

2007-09-21T21:14:00.000-07:00

Truly, so much had happened in the last few days. I've gone from happy to ecstatic, down to frustration and not forgetting just plain blah. First, I can't thank my classmates enough for surprising me with their present on my (ex-)birthday. I was elated for all of an hour. Then my energy ran out and I was sleepy for the rest of the day. I nearly nodded off during English!

Ming gave me her PlanetShakers CD (wow!) and a card that took her four and a half hours to make. And when I reached home, there was a basket of flowers waiting on my table. That was my mother's present. After the moment passed, things went downward from there.

I started practicing the tabs for several Final Fantasy songs and got frustrated when I couldn't catch the beat of the To Zanarkand tabs transcribed by DuoDn. I felt like such a N00B. Not to mention, reading A Long, Hard Road by Twig got me depressed like anything.

And the weekend doesn't feel too bright. Sigh. I hate being so typically human.

FFVII: Crisis Core

2007-09-17T07:04:00.000-07:00

Introduction of Zack, SOLDIER, Second Class...

T__T I never want to watch Zack die again.

They're Taking the Hobbits to Isengard

2007-09-17T06:41:00.000-07:00

LMAO, I love this video.

And this is the parody...

The Mystery of Female Bipolarity

2007-09-17T04:20:00.001-07:00

Whou, 36 posts and still going. This has got to be the longest blog I've ever maintained. Go me! Anyways, today's one of those days where I go bipolar and bitchy. One minute, I'm snapping at everyone and the next I'm all smiles and making jokes. It's scary how all females possess this inane ability.

How do males stand it? Do they have an emergency pack of chocolates or chick flicks in their pocket, specially prepared to appease their girlfriends/wives/sisters whenever said girls suddenly become hormonally emotional? I want to know more.

Cinderella Man

2007-09-15T02:44:00.000-07:00

I was channel surfing on Astro, as many people do even if there are some who don't want to admit it...*smirk*...and I chanced upon an airing of Cinderella Man on StarMovies. I watched it for a while since I absolutely love Renee Zellweger's work on the silver screen.

Russell Crowe, Renee and their onscreen little daughter were settling down to eat their meagre dinner. He takes one look at the single slice of ham on his plate and then at his daughter's already empty plate.

He starts telling his daughter that last night, he had a dream that he had a really big dinner with the people in his dream. He had a big juicy steak as thick as two and a half inches and then he went for three helpings of ice-cream. "I cannot eat another bite," he declared and looked at his daughter with a small smile. "Will you help me?"

His oblivious and innocent daughter nodded smilingly and accepted the slice of meat he put on her plate. He smiled, got up and went out the door.

Watching that scene, I cannot help but smile with Renee Zellweger.

Nothing is Set in Stone

2007-09-14T21:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was debatably one of the most stressful days I ever had. Details aside, this was what had happened: Woke up at five to finish off overdue math homework. Finished within an hour. Went down to do some jogging as punishment for gorging the night before. Showered went to school.

After school, attended CF. Was able to keep up with Brother Eddie for the first few songs (score!) but completely lost it with the final song. Still, Brother Eddie said I was getting better (score!). Went home with Ming and had some lunch. Showered and went to Mid Valley.

Shopped around for Moon Yee's birthday present, the materials for her birthday card, earrings for Ming's mom's birthday, card of Ming's mom's birthday, ankle socks for Ming, Beard Papa cream puff for me and takoyaki for Ming.

Complications in getting home. Shall skip that part. Passed out in the car. Arrived home, started making Moon Yee's card. Need to get a sharper blade. Argued a little with mom about the jeans that I didn't want to wear for Moon Yee's party. Finished up Moon Yee's card quickly when Ming was in shower.

Did a quick wrapping of Moon Yee's present with card. Went to Moon Yee's party. Felt completely out of place at the high-end club where the party was held. Saw a lot of people whose faces I knew but other than that, did not know them at all. Ate food and creme brulee (yay!)

Nobody was dancing. After some persuasion, Ming, Shing, Jin Mei and I started boogeying on the dance floor. Unfortunately, no one else was in the mood. Completely put off. Sang the birthday song for Moon Yee and had the cate-cutting ceremony.

Ming and I left the club after that to chat with the chef (in charge of the French food in the party) outside. Found out that he was Australian, practically traveled the whole of Malaysia within 9 months, had a Chinese girlfriend here who was born in Taiping, had not sleep in 3 days and was waiting for his lift so that he could get much-needed sleep.

Went home. Discovered that I left out a part of Moon Yee's present on the bed. Decided to give it to her on Monday. Ming's mom came to fetch her. Changed, cleared my bed and passed out again.

Lesson learned: Never make a birthday card several hours before the party actually starts.

Good Luck, Shinzo Abe-san!

2007-09-13T09:49:00.000-07:00

My sympathies to ex-Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. I wish him total recovery during his stay at the hospital and hope that the world does not judge him too harshly for his short run in the political world on the global front.

Cue Mass Hysteria!

2007-09-11T08:23:00.000-07:00

Today, it was announced that our SPM Trial 2 was moved up to the 26th of September. Naturally, chaos ensued. If a panic button ever existed and someone ever wanted to press it to see what would happen...this is what would happen.

My classmates did nothing short of berate and question (read: interrogate) every teacher who entered our class and even went as far as to suggest cancelling the 2nd trial altogether due to the inefficient time we have to study.

Not to say that I didn't partake in the horror of having to face my exams earlier than expected, but I was guiltily amused amidst all the commotion. I mean, I have never seen my classmates show so much vigour for anything else. Few years later, we would look back on this and laugh.

...actually, a few years aren't needed. Just wait several weeks. We'll be laughing about this mass hysteria. LOL

In other news:

i. congrats to Kim for winning first place in a writing competition! I kowtow to you!

ii. helped my mom make triple-layered sandwiches for her lunch date this Friday (prawn sambal, mashed eggs and cheese!)

iii. still looking for a date for prom!!!

Cucur Bawang

2007-09-10T03:53:00.000-07:00

W00T, today was my first time handling a frying pan. Yeah, I know. This person has been living on this earth for seventeen years without so much as touching a frying pan but all that changes today!

With much gratitude to my sifu, Deepaa - who is also my wife, mind you - I have finally learned the art of flipping cucur bawang (onion fritters) in a pan of boiling oil. My comrade, Ming and I made a platterful of cucur bawang today and I am proud to say that it was in hot demand!

Of course, that's all thanks to Deepaa and her recipe...

Will someone be my date for prom?!!!

The Assassination of Serizawa Kamo for the Greater Good

2007-09-09T08:13:00.000-07:00

The assassination of Serizawa Kamo plays an integral part of Shinsengumi history. It depicts the point and period where Kondo Isami and Hijikata Toshizo gained full and unquestioned control of the corps of the Kyoto protector.

As most Shinsengumi buffs would know, Serizawa Kamo's murder had little to do with a power struggle and much to do with the Shinsengumi's bad reputations among the streets of Mibu.

Serizawa Kamo, while headstrong and had a charisma that was tangible to all his men, was a very violent and compulsive man. He killed willfully at the slightest provocation and eliminated those who stand in his slightest pleasures. Needless to say, a man like him was not suited to be leader of an organization of roshi who were kept in line by the strict code of bushido.

So the elimination of Serizawa Kamo was all about the greater good. He was an itch that wouldn't go away; a thorn in the Shinsengumi's side - choose whichever. Now, this little look into the history of the Shinsengumi leads up to this one question I pose:

If you had to commit a sin for the greater good, would you do it?

In my opinion, you shouldn't. Just keep on looking for loopholes so that the sin goes uncommitted.

What is 5 and 2?

2007-09-08T23:53:00.000-07:00

Speaker at Sunday service: "What is 5 and 2?"

Me (and only me!): Seven.

The rest of the churchgoers remain silent to listen to the echo of my voice and the chirping cicadas outside. Nah, I'm just exaggerating. Nobody except Yoke Ling and Ee Ling noticed that I had even answered. And there are no damn cicadas to listen to in the middle of Kuala Lumpur, only several feet away from Sungei Wang.

Correct answer: Jesus can take 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish to feed five thousand.

Next time my inner student feels the urge to answer a question in front of a crowd, I'll remind myself to kill it before I open my mouth.

Oysters ~ Raw and Baked

2007-09-08T09:25:00.000-07:00

Say hello to my first time easting oyster; both raw and baked. I suppose I have to thank Fugui Restaurant for having a buffet tonight of all nights, which gave me a chance to try out all the stuff I normally wouldn't (i.e. shellfish).

And here in my verdict on oysters: ...I need a little more time to get used to used to them. They leave a weird smell and taste in my mouth that I downed with Fugui's over-sweet Milo (Milo is already sweet; how can you make it sweeter?).

I have to admit though: without the dabs of Tabasco and a squirt of lemon, I would never have been able to swallow that oyster. But thanks to tonight's dinner (and Big Apple Donuts - curse you light, fluffy, sweet delights!), I've grown fatter! There's more flab attached to my neck!

Triple, quadruple gasp! Need - to - fight - flab!

Starting tomorrow, ultra snack diet and jogging with super-unwavering-bushido-spirit!

Farewellz

2007-09-07T05:52:00.000-07:00

myerna ~ Kezanne and Khai Juinn (grandpa!!) are leaving Malaysia today to two completely different parts of the world. Kezanne is going over to Ireland to pursure a medical course while grandpa is traveling to China to study acupuncture. And soon, Justin will be leaving for Scotland to study actuaral science.

Guys, I hope you enjoy it there. Kezanne, grandpa - safe flight, kay? I hope you got my message grandpa because you never replied me!

Guitar Strings of Nylon and Steel

2007-09-07T05:42:00.000-07:00

It feels great picking up the guitar after such a long time. It's like meeting an old friend and remembering all the quirks I used to know about him.

Of course with the guitar it's a little different. It's more of reminiscing on how several frets on the guitar were bleached due to sweaty fingers in past practices.

My teacher used to praise me on that. He said it was proof of my hard work. And now, I look at those bleached stains on the wood proudly too.

The skin on the tips of my fingers have hardened again - luckily for me cause pressing down hard on guitar strings (even if they were nylon) were painful when the tips of your fingers were still soft and delicate.

I wonder how long it will take until I'm brave enough to switch to steel strings? As Bro Eddie likes to say: "The guitar is probably the easiest instrument to play but the hardest instrument to master."

Yet Another Reason to W00T

2007-09-04T07:49:00.001-07:00

After finally watching the Kingdom Hearts 2: Final Mix secret ending, I was pretty relieved to find out that Sora is not completely out of the picture yet. Sure, the upcoming game in the Kingdom Hearts series won't have anything to do with him but that's only because this game is the prequel to the series.

Still, it was pretty saddening to see Ven (the guy had tremendous resemblance to Roxas - so much that it's scary) being stunned by Blizzaga by the man who is supposedly the Keyblade Master. May I add that he is bald.

And according to (one of my heroes) Tetsuya Nomura, he wanted to do more on Roxas, about the time between his joining the Organization and his disappearance into Twilight Town. Another reason to W00T! Anything extra regarding Roxas is always welcome. He always hits a soft spot in the heart whenever he comes onscreen. Mucho thankies to (yet another hero of mine) Kazushige Nojima, for not forgetting Roxas in your stories.

In an extra note, my Shinsengumi: The Shogun's Last Samurai Corps by Romulus Hillsborough just arrived today. W00T!

The Sashimi Analysis and then some

2007-09-03T08:28:00.000-07:00

W00T! Keshinn is rebelling against her parents. But that's not why I'm 'W00T'ing. Since her parents are bored of eating Japanese food (which I absolutely can't imagine), and Keshinn can't go for two weeks without an intake of Japanese food (Jusco's takeaway sushi does not count), she invited anyone who wants to come for a Japanese meal this weekend.

No plans confirmed yet and I'm not sure if this is really going to pan out at all. But anticipation sure gives you a nice bubbly feeling. My love for Japanese food aside, I have this obsession of inviting friends out for Japanese dinners.

Although my claim to fame so far only amounts to one: the dinner at Izakaya Ichiban at Hartamas with Kel and his father paid for that. Thanks again, Mr. Choo. Oh, and I hoped to enjoyed that hamachi (yellowtail fish) bento you had at Izakaya Tamako, Kel.

Personally, I like hamachi sashimi. Hamachihead comes in second place. The body comes third place. Go figure, Japanese uses the whole of the fish in three different dishes.

Anyways, here's my analysis on sashimi pricing that's probably standard in most Japanese cuisine restaurants (starting from most expensive):

1. Hamachi (yellowtail)

2. Ootoro (white tuna)

3. Shake (salmon)

4. Tako (octopus)

5. Maguro (red tuna) <-- even I can't stomach a whole portion of maguro. a little tasteless.

Prefects and ProPres

2007-09-03T08:13:00.000-07:00

The year has come to a time where Probation Prefects (or ProPre as I like to call them) will be posted all over the school in hopes of becoming an official or full-fledged prefect by next year and therefore allowed to wear the smart dark navy blue suit as required by all prefects of the school.

What's the point of being a Prefect or a ProPre, really? Doesn't it just halt your ways of having fun causing havoc in school? In my opinion, your schooling life is not complete without aggravating and harrassing one or two of the school staff.

And when your a Prefect/ProPre, chances are you won't be doing that. Seriously, why bind yourself to rules and discipline when you have the rest of your life after school to do that? Ultimately, the choice is up to you.

I just don't think the cool Prefect's uniform is worth the trouble.

Pie Is Not Dessert

2007-08-25T08:46:00.000-07:00

Dessert is dessert. Pie is not dessert. Pie is main course. Even if it's chocolate banana pie, it's main course. Dessert comes after the chocolate banana pie.

This has been the daily update for bouts of randomness. Please tune in again for tomorrow's episode, where we will be talking about guitars.

A Penny Saved is A Penny Saved

2007-08-19T20:48:00.000-07:00

This morning, I left home at 8.30 in the morning, with two wristbands declaring Act and Think, an outfit clumsily put together and a duffel bag filled with two purses (one containing a hundred bucks) and my [brother's] Bible. I did not return till 10 at night.

Miraculously, I still had most of my money with me at the time - mostly because the people I were with today were so generous. Keshinn offered me bites of her pretzel and takoyaki, so that settled my lunch. And Kel's dad courteously paid for our Japanese dinner at Hartamas' Izakaya Ichiban even though I was the one who called the tako sashimi a.k.a. expensive dish.

My heartfelt thanks to all who took care of me today. And my apologies to the General (John) who had to endure my rude mannerisms during the first whirly ride in the BTS amusement park. My arms still hurt from trying not to knock into him during that ride.

Vocabulary

2007-08-18T21:03:00.000-07:00

At a family reunion dinner...

10-year old cousin: Why is there water in your armpits? (You have to hand it to kids; they don't know the meaning of 'discreet')

Me: Oh, that's perspiration.

10-year old cousin: What?

Me: Perspi ... sweat. It's sweat.

One word: Vocabulary.

The Black Clouds Are Over My Head

2007-08-16T03:16:00.000-07:00

T.T - That's how I feel today. Not only did my two Additional Mathematics papers lord their superiority over me once again, but I discovered that I attained a B for my ESOL CPE examination. I hoped that the whole thing was a joke and that the B glaring at me was the punch line. Unfortunately, it was not so.

Thanks for the ice-cream, Naz. It cheered me up somewhat because it was chocolate inside out. Right now, I'm hoping the siblings Khoo will be able to join my entourage watching Ratatouille tomorrow and wishing the best to my daughter, Ming. May all your worries be small.

Disturbing Thoughts

2007-08-14T08:04:00.000-07:00

Several minutes of internet surfing brought me to an online Naruto character test. Somehow - I don't know how! - I got...

Which Naruto Character Are You?
Test by naruto - kun.com

Hmm, funny...I never saw myself as an "everything-is-decided-by-fate-so-don't-try-to-fight-it" kind of person.

On another disturbing note, I chanced upon the old video of Hanson's MmmBop on Channel V not too long ago. No, it's not that I don't like the song. I love the song. But it was the image of Taylor Hanson at that age that disturbed me. Back then (maybe even now?), Taylor Hanson looked like a girl!!!!

I had a crush on him throughout the video then I snapped out of it. Taylor Hanson, if you were a girl, you'd be on my shag list - right up there with Keira Knightley and Gong Li. Yes, I know - disturbing.

Bye Vincent!

2007-08-14T03:30:00.000-07:00

Vincent is leaving Malaysia today. Have a safe journey, Mr. Ramos. Call us again when you get your annual leave. We shall meet at Mid Valley Mega-something to eat nasi bojangles at Madam Fang's again!

The National Service List

2007-08-11T02:08:00.000-07:00

In the middle of our first SPM (Sijil Pendidikan Malaysia) trial, my friends and I were waiting upon another bag of results that would decide our future for us: the National Service (NS) acceptance list.

Those who were admitted will have to undergo three months of military training after finishing secondary school. Some detested it with a passion and has gone as far as singing in delight when they discovered that they weren't chosen..*ahem*Jonathan*ahem*. Others don't mind it...I haven't really met a lot of these 'others'.

And as it turned out...I'm one of those 'free' people. Should I rejoice? My three months will not be governed by the um, well, government. But then again, I always had a thing for military training. The whole wake up early and give me 10 push-ups is definitely more interesting than plodding aimlessly through life, wondering if you chose the right course for college.

Ze Yen, Yen Wei, Amrit, Zheng-Lin and the others who got chosen...my heart goes out to you.

Gender Bender

2007-07-26T08:03:00.000-07:00

I am a girl. Kelvin's a boy. I have a book on how to pick up women. And Kelvin has a article on a women's guide to attract men. Am I the only one who sees something wrong with the picture here?

He Who Loved Me In A Dream

2007-07-23T19:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had a dream that I was loved. In that dream, I lived in the same world, did the same things. The only thing that differed it from reality was that I had someone who loved me; a total stranger who liked who I was, how I had turned out in my teenage years and proof that I was doing okay as a person.

And then there were icing dots - miniscule icing candies with a tiny pearl candy on top, made by the one who loved me in the dream.

Then I woke up, terrified that all of it had been a dream. But a friend assure that no it wasn't. At the time, I did not realize that that too had been part of the dream.

When I finally opened my eyes for real, the dream disintegrated, leaving behind only my pure yearning for love and acceptance that made me feel unreliably dependant.

Uncannily enough, the person who loved me in the dream was a boy.

The Boy Who Lived

2007-07-22T06:14:00.000-07:00

In India, a mother lost her daughter in the crowd of a bookstore and went searching frantically for her only to find her ten pages into the Deathly Hallows. Somewhere else in America, a man jumped into a freezing lake to save a preorder voucher for the Deathly Hallows.

It's hard to imagine that a phenomenon like Harry Potter will ever occur ever again. The release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is easily the most publicized, commercialized and biggest event in literary history.

No matter how hard I tried, I can't imagine bookstores opening two hours earlier, public libraries setting up parties, or radio advertising endlessly for a book other than Harry Potter. He is that big. The impact is gargantuan.

And I for one, am glad to be able to be in the midst of all this wonder while still in my teenage years. If I were much younger, I might not have fully comprehended the scale of excitment the final book of Harry Potter had ignited all over the world. If I were much older, I might have smiled bemusedly at the younger kids jumping up and down awaiting the Deathly Hallows and thinking, "How nice..."

But no, I stand between childhood and adulthood. This is perfect! To understand the childish and mature elements of the book and to understand that with the turn of the last page in the book, I've just witnessed the conclusion to what was arguably the best piece of fiction ever written. Not too complicated as to be confounding and yet not simple enough as to be dingbat-ish.

There will never be something like this again.

And I am sure that I'm not alone in this sentiment. I bet that hundreds - no - millions of readers all over the world would search for their copy of Sorceror's/Philosopher's Stone the moment they read the final words of the Deathly Hallows.

I am sure that many, like me, would like to travel back to the book which had started it all. Back to that time when Harry had not even known that he was a wizard; his first year at Hogwarts; that book that was easily a third of the Deathly Hallows width. Everything started with the Philosopher's Stone. But I'm sure it would not end with the Deathly Hallows.

Potter-fans are not finished yet. How long this legacy can live - I don't think any of us can say for sure. But I'm sure it would be long. I'm confident that Harry will have a very long run. He is, after all, the Boy Who Lived.

The Epitome of Patheticness

2007-07-21T06:39:00.000-07:00

Why haven't I gotten over her?

Every time I dare myself to visit her blog, it always hurts and saddens me to read what a nice and fun life she is leading without me. And I'm jealous. Frightfully jealous. Not of her, but of (sadly, because I would prefer to be jealous of her instead of) her friends.

Because they are the ones who got to bask in her shine. They know a part of her that I will never know. And the pictures of her life sting more than ever, as if (unwittingly) taunting me of the things I have missed out on. Sometimes I wonder whether it was or wasn't for lack of trying.

Not only that but...

...it doesn't help that she's the only one I've ever confessed to.

Potty Land

2007-07-14T09:39:00.000-07:00

Around this time and date, almost everyone around the world is probably typing out their own comments about the latest Harry Potter movie, setting the Potter-mania craze into full effect well before the final book is due to arrive at bookstores. So why should I be any different?

This time, however, I applaud David Yates for rising above my (admittedly low) expectations for the Harry Potter movie (Order of the Phoenix). And thankfully, the movie people have decided to cut the characters hair before they resemble hillbillies by the seventh movie. I still do find something lacking in the acting though but I thought Helena Bonham Carter was the perfect Bellatrix Lestrange; wonderfully evil and eccentric. And I thought that something more could be done with Sirius' death scene but yeah, all in all, a nice Harry Potter movie (in comparison with Chamber of Secrets, Prisoner of Azkaban and Goblet of Fire)

The Covered Path

2007-06-25T06:12:00.000-07:00

I am rushing towards an end I can't see and cannot predict. I am ignoring all the road signs and road blocks. I am trying to run when I should walk. What am I hoping to find?

The Misplacement of Lost

2007-06-23T00:07:00.001-07:00

Today marks the first time I have ever been in a police station...or rather, a police stand judging by the size of it. There was small television the size of my head sitting in the corner, playing some tasteless programme from the local channel, a poster on proper police etiquette - very unglamourous and not the least outstanding, as I had expected of all government buildings; at least it serves its purpose.

The purpose of my trip there today involves a misplaced identification card - namely mine. I have to say, I wasn't really surprised when I realized that my entire wallet wasn't in my possession (meaning I have lost both my identification card and my student ID along with several other cards and some loose change I carry to school).

Losing possessions is something I do very well, given my messy room, my lackadaisical attitude and my overall carelessness. I even almost lost my passport once. That was the biggest scare of all. And this little episode right now only serves to rouse my curiosity as to what other things I would lose or almost lose for the remainder of my life.

The Perfectly Imperfect

2007-06-21T06:38:00.000-07:00

What can I say? I feel like kicking the crap out of him. I know that he has on his back many responsibilities but that doesn't give him the 'get out of bed for free' card to do work when he's ill with the fever!

He's my friend/classmate and Head Prefect of our school - not an enviable position, I assure you - and also an aspiring surgeon. Currently, he's busy handling the preparations for our school's Prefects' Gathering, being the emcee of the International Understanding (IU) Night in our school as well as being involved as a key suspect of the Murder Mystery activity (complete with audience interaction) in the same night. And all this with a fever clouding his head.

I hate people like these. They try so hard and make me feel so bad about not trying hard myself; encouraging me to push myself harder. In this sense, I suppose I love people like these. A love-hate relationship them.

Oh yes, his name is Dharma. I hope you take good care of yourself in future because watching people work hard when they don't feel well breaks my heart and makes me want to take care of the,

Indulgence

2007-06-20T03:19:00.000-07:00

Never say that I never indulge or enjoy myself when it comes to food. Perhaps today was the best example, given that I gave in to temptations more times than I care to remember.

First, there was the two slices of pizza left over from last night's dinner (anchovies, olives and ham - definitely a fast favourite), two packets of crackers (one of them cheese), two packets of pure butter chocolate chip cookies, a stick of dark chocolate, a plate of spaghetti with a bowl of soup, and my nanny's trying to sneak me a slice of my father's birthday cake (without my consent).

On another note, I have no distinct sense of taste whatsoever and just today I discovered that my friend and classmate, Keegan, suffers from the same affliction. Both of us had once upon a time consumed cakes that were well past their 'eat by' date. His cake was already moulding when he was eating it while mine...

...they were a gift from a friend in Japan and I really didn't want to waste them. So I ate at least two or three pieces then drowned them in my stomach with water. To be honest, they still tasted good. Japan always makes the best snacks.

Fear

2007-06-18T07:20:00.000-07:00

To tell you the truth, I am dead scared of what will happen to me after I graduate secondary school. Most of the time, I dismiss this fear the best I can - put it aside and smile carelessly, thinking only about what will happen tomorrow. Then the fear returns full, sometimes double, and it grips me so terribly that I choke up.

No one knows that I fear the future so much. Even those who know of my fear do not know the true extent of it. And then there's always this useless thought: "I will manage somehow." It's not nearly enough to satiate my fear but it's all I've got. I fear the future more than I fear death.

The Sins I Can Testify

2007-06-18T02:57:00.000-07:00

Of the seven sins most notable among us, I find myself guitly of five of them. Now when you score in an exam, you know that you're in the safe zone if you managed to get more than half of the questions correct. However, this definitely does not apply to my 5/7 score on the sin-o-meter.

The sins I'm guilty of: gula/gluttony, avaritia/greed, acedia/sloth, invidia/envy, and superbia/pride.

The sins I have yet to commit: luxuria/lust and ira/wrath.

I think that you must agree with me that my future looks pretty bleak.

Giorno Di Padri Felice

2007-06-17T00:15:00.000-07:00

In Spain, it's día de padres feliz; while Russians go Счастливый день отцов. The Portuguese prefer dia de pais feliz; the Italians giorno di padri felice; with the Germans' Gl¨¹cklicher Vatertag; the French Jour de p¨¨res heureux; the Dutch De gelukkige Dag van Vaders - all just to say HAPPY FATHER'S DAY.

Like all other festivities, I despise it. Holidays such as these - popularized with commercialization and the mass media - throws upon us unnecessary burden for a holiday whose origin we are not even sure of; which convinces me even more that we humans are more than willing to be drones to the flow of society.

And if it isn't enough, my padre's cumpleaños falls on the very same day as dia de pais feliz.

Ah well, if anything, today I discovered the absolute enjoyment of incensing another person without caring for the consequences. All those years of watching, admiring and sometimes even idolizing cool TV villains are finally paying off; they gave me the knowledge of what to do to ultimately piss off the second party.

And after I laid my cards down, I threw my opponent such a shit-eating grin that I was sure my opponent wanted to slap me across the face. When my padre walked in on us, I had to literally wipe the grin of my face to mask my sadistic glee.

This surely testifies my dark and sadistic nature. It's ironic that those whom I care about will never see my true side while those who do not deserve my frontal kindness will come face to face with my bona fide nature every single time.

A Love That Was Never Meant To Be

2007-06-16T12:39:00.000-07:00

I suppose you could call this behaviour as typical. When you get something new, naturally to adhere to it until it loses its interesting shine and you drift off to another object of interest. This blog is undoubtedly new - formed under the auspices of my lazy double - and therefore I find myself adding a new post only minutes from my first post.

But I also attribute this to the fact that I have something that needed to be said. I used to have this infatuation on a girl; same age as me. And when I confessed to her (I admit that the way I confessed to her was anything but conventional), she gave me a look that immediately told me that nothing romantic could ever hope to build between us.

Now years later, I find myself visiting her blog - something which I told her I had done often but did not in fact do so - and I discovered that...we do not inhabit the same worlds anymore. She is now much further away from my reach than she has ever been.

She has become so different, so unattainable and so (forgive me for saying this) unappetizing that I find myself wanting to angst over it. Changed beyond my recognition; that was what she had done. Such a variant from the goddess I had been in love with years ago. Now those feelings seemed to have been ages ago.

And this, more than anything, proves to me that time is a cruel mistress. It changes us inevitably. Perhaps in her point of view, I had changed into someone unappetizing too. I would never know because we always exchange sweet and amiable words during our rare rendezvous. But I think what hurts most is the fact that she chooses to think of my confession as a joke even after all this time. Three years - and she still thinks that I had never been in love with her.

A Night Turned Fruitful

2007-06-16T12:07:00.000-07:00

Well, this night had not turned out the way I expected at all. I had not managed to get any useful work done - shame on me here - and I've spent all day alternating from watching a tv series I do not wish to disclose, 200 Pound Beauty and Just Follow Law; all on pirated dvds. It's a useful circumstance; living in Malaysia, that is.

That aside, I cannot say that my dinner meeting with my father had gone fruitless. I have a satisfying amount of raw fish digesting inside my stomach; salmon, red tuna and octopus among them. And somehow, during the midst of what seemed to be a light-hearted conversation among the two of us - though, a lot of veiled snarkiness on my part - he had agreed, somewhat, to endorse in my future business endeavours.

Not bad, eh?

Shopfront, I would say is out of the question. But why do shopfront when we can ride the wave of the Google Economy?

Also, I have learned today that to avoid narrow-mindedness when shopping for clothes, always do the shopping in Metrojaya. The diversity is refreshing. You have Guy Laroche and S.T. Dupont in one section and with a turn of the head, you can see a no-name brand on the brink of breaking out in discounts. Okay, perhaps that might have been an exaggeration =P